Muthahood

Muthahood

Where do I even begin to explain this journey? How do I put in to words how much of a rollercoaster motherhood is? There is so much a mother endures in such a short time, with a life time waiting ahead. So many tears, so many laughs, late nights, and early mornings. Days when mama and baby get to sleep all day and nights when you don’t sleep at all. There are times you go days without showering (this happens quite often), the dishes are left undone, laundry continues to pile up in the corner, your baby is fussy all day long because all they want to do is be held by you, and as much as you want to sit there and snuggle them all day long you can’t help but look at the mess around you, and the mess staring back at you in the mirror.

Let’s talk about that mess in the mirror. This new body of yours, the extra skin, the extra lbs, baggy eyes, tangled hair, insane body odor, same shirt you’ve had on for a week, thats covered in spit up, and as a boy mom, pee. (If you know you know) Every part of you is in disarray. Many nights you stand in the mirror not recognizing the girl looking back at you. You want to embrace it but how can you? How can you embrace such a horrible sight? You went from 200lbs to 270lbs , you were unhappy at 200 but suddenly you’re wishing you could go back. Praying you will wake up and your body snaps back to its previous form. But in the morning you’re still the same. Now you want to get dressed and look cute for something? You've got to go buy new clothes to fit this new body of yours. More like the new stomach you have. Your little pooch is now full blown fupa that not even shapewear can hide. It showcases itself in every dress, skirt, pants, shorts and every piece of clothing you put on. Just pass me the yoga pants, biker shorts and oversized T-shirt’s please. Oh did i forget to tell you its also summertime? You need to go find a bathing suit too. That’s it where is the nearest hole? so I can just go crawl in it.

On top of all of your internal turmoil you also hear “Grosss!” “Just hand baby to dad and go shower” “Does his dad not help?” “Just let the baby cry it out and take a shower they will eventually fall asleep” “Ew i could never let myself do that i have too shower everyday” …those are a few nice words amongst many more that are thrown at you. Words spoken to you by people who have no idea what it’s like, or people who just think just because it worked for them it works for you, or an older generation that somehow managed to get through their day ignoring their baby screaming and leaving them alone to cry themselves to sleep. Or who automatically assume dad doesn’t help out. When in reality he is the one cooking dinner most nights, bringing you snacks and food while you’re taking care of the baby and recovering from a C-section. Does he understand everything you’re battling? No. But he is there for you to continue to lean on. He is your rock for a reason, and wont let you fall. So why is it so hard? Could you just hand him to his dad? Yes you could, you’d love too, but now you’re having separation anxiety, what do you do with your hands? Is this guilt creeping in too? Girl why is your heart beating so fast? He is with his dad he is fine.

Is he? What if he drops him? He needs me. You should just sit here and just make sure everything is okay. Yes that’s a great idea, just sit and monitor. Minutes go by and everything is fine, he is safe sleeping in dads arms. Well just go take a shower now, Okay you can do this. One foot in front of the other walk to the bathroom and don’t turn around. *standing under the hot water feeling all the exhaustion run down your body and into the drain* Finally… you needed this , you can relax and take a deep breath. Close your eyes and decompress. Suddenly you hear your baby screaming and crying, they need you. But you’re covered in soap, just rinse off, No he needs you now get out!! But does he? Is he really crying? Are you just hearing things? No he has to be you can hear him so clearly. So you rush out of the shower soap still on your body and run to attend to your crying baby who is sleeping so peacefully in dad’s arms. What? You heard him screaming for you. Something isn’t right. Are you going crazy? What the hell is wrong with you girl? Stepping back into what was once a peaceful shower to finish rinsing, your mind is racing. How did I hear him so clear but he wasn’t really crying? Am i losing it?

On the flip side. It’s just you and baby, you get him down for a nap, you start to take off your clothes , finally a shower, you step into the shower and excitement begins to flow through you when suddenly you hear his cries, and this time it’s real. But, but I just got in here. Jokes on you bitch. Got to stay smelly for another day.

Honestly I could go on for days about the different situations that happen everyday. Especially during the newborn stage. As they get older it gets a tad easier. Keywords “A Tad” because once their mobile you have too worry about what the hell they will get into if not supervised. We will cover that subject another time because I’m only 9months in and Ronin is very active for his age so i can only imagine what else is in store. I’ll check back in about that in 2years.

Now lets talk about this “Sleep when baby sleeps” bullshit real quick. We all know its not that simple. Lets be real, yes there are many naps you should just go ahead and take part in. Just lay down and enjoy the nap. But understand too that there is a battle you will face when you get your baby down for a nap and you stand there fighting to choose between a shower, any house work, or laying down with them to try to get at least 10mins of shut eye because you have been up and down every hour or 3hrs doing diaper changes and feedings(more frequently for the moms who’s babies weren’t sleepers). There are many days your baby will cat nap and there is no way to predict what days that will be. You can put them down for a nap and they look like they are knocked out and this is the nap you choose to join in on and as soon as you shut your eyes, 3mins later the squirming and whining begins. I’m crying in the club.

When they start to get older and can sit up, crawl and play with toys. You can set up the camera, put some toys out create an enclosure turn on Mickey Mouse and let them entertain themselves while you shower, and get something done, Or if you want to just sit and relax and watch tik tok. But if you do that the guilt creeps in like “no get up bitch you have to get something done before his dad gets home and it looks like you haven’t done shit all day. Fine” *spends next 2hrs cleaning* dad walks through the door and the house looks untouched and a complete mess. Get wrecked.

Before becoming a mom myself, I was one of those people who would make dumbass comments. I had this idea in my head that I wouldn’t become “one of those moms” who let themselves go or get so lost in their kids that I no longer had an identity. HA! If only I could slap her now for even saying such a thing let alone thinking it. I had this idea of what I wanted my pregnancy to be like. How i was going to dress, I was going to walk every single day, take cute bump pictures, and just a list of all the things i was going to do. I was going to start working out right after having him when I was cleared by the doctor. I even created Pinterest boards of everything i was going to do. But once that baby is born all of that goes out of the window. Not to say none of it is achievable, it is. For some moms a lot of those things were possible, some had perfect and beautiful pregnancies and their day to day life with a new born was easy and stress free. Postpartum depression was non existent in their lives. But that’s not the case for many of us. Even the ones who look like they have it all online, a lot of times its fabricated for the likes. Just because a mom online told you that a $1000 stroller and 500$ bassinet is what you need in order for your baby to get a good nights sleep does not mean its true. Everything doesn’t have to be name brand. Half the time they are sponsored users just convincing you to buy it. There are so many affordable products that do a better job. As a new mom we want our baby to have every item brand new and unused. That’s how i was but once Ronin was here and I saw those prices, getting items from family and friends didn’t sound like a bad idea. If its in great condition and free, TAKE IT! Anyway that will also be another post. Im going to talk about some of the products I loved, didn’t like or didn’t need.

Overall Mama, just give yourself grace. That was told to me when i was in such a bad place mentally battling myself. Postpartum depression is real. You’re not crazy, you’re not lazy, your not a bad mom, you are doing everything you can. I know you’re tired, your baby wont stop crying and you don’t know what to do. Asking for help doesn’t make you a bad mom. I know you’re struggling. I know you hate you’re body. But at the end of the day you’re doing the damn thing. GIVE YOURSELF GRACE.

If any of you are struggling with PPD or even if you’re just having a hard time and need to vent, contact me. Being a mom is hard and its beautiful at the same time. But we all struggle and just because someone else has it “harder” doesn’t mean your emotions and feelings aren’t valid.

There is so many things that I didn’t cover and I want to talk about it ALL. If there is anything specific you want me to talk about or elaborate on drop a comment and tell me! Also please feel free to share this post with other mamas out there.