Cat gotcha tongue?

Communication.. the largest piece to relationship and friendship puzzles. Along with trust, communication is essential to the success of the any situation. Whether that be, a SO, a friend, a coworker or family member. From a personal POV ,I felt like I was the best communicator, because I was so open with myself and I would always speak my mind. But lately I've realized there are pros and cons to my approach and im not as perfect at communication as I thought I was.

Buckle up : This has Multiple parts to it:

PART 1 :

When someone would ask me something I would have no problem answering them with complete honesty. Or if i saw something i did or didn’t like then I held nothing back and I wouldn’t hesitate to speak up. I would say exactly what i was thinking and i wasn’t to fond on sugar coating either. I would say my forwardness is one of my best qualities. But not always... So in my past relationships/situation-ships I felt like if i was just completely honest about everything and told them everything about myself that it would help this guy like me. If i told him my past it would help him understand me more, and it would make him like me more because i was telling him everything about me. Maybe i would become more appealing to him because i am so "interesting". Yeahhhh i was only interesting enough for them to get in my pants. Did I learn that though at the time.. of course not. I just ignored the red flags like it was my day job. After so many cycles of putting myself on display to be abused and mistreated, you would think i would learn from it and just stop. I couldn’t because i just wanted to be cared for and loved by someone so bad. I longed to just be loved and adored by a man I would do anything. I was the most confident person with the lowest level of self respect and not an ounce of high self esteem.

So i had to make up for that, when someone talked to me I told them anything and everything they wanted to hear. Just as they did me. I was an excellent talker. I knew what to say to draw them in. A lioness waiting to catch her prey. I was so bold, that many people around me thought I was so strong and independent but I had no boundaries for myself my self worth was non-existent and deep down I was suffering. But Instead of just stopping and going into hiding and not speaking to any one. I did the complete opposite. If one didn’t work out I would move onto the next, and just talk to someone else. It was like that in relationships and friendships. I didn’t have trouble moving on. A friend fucked me over? Cool I knew I had plenty left.

Now Fast Forward:

I am in my first HEALTHY relationship not perfect but healthy. But I have now noticed an issue…I won’t talk about myself. I have some how shut down that part of myself that I was once so open about. Trauma response? Maybe. But it has been the cause of some of our fights. I just don’t know what happened. Why did I all of a sudden just shut down? Why cant I open up to the one person who deserves it the most? It’s not that I feel like its “too much baggage” at this age we all have baggage. At times my mind just feels so clogged with the trauma that I have no idea where to even start. How far into the beginning do I go? Which beginning ? You can say start anywhere, but I just don’t know where. When is it appropriate to talk about it? Well anytime would be the answer right? But how do I just drop this in the middle of a conversation ? We are laughing and watching shows why would I want to ruin this blissful moment by bringing up my past issues? I told him if he just asks the questions then it would be easier for me to communicate. I don’t mean that as i’ll only tell you if you ask me a question. But I think I can focus my thoughts better when a question is formed to me. You know that episode of Spongebob when he is running around yelling “Whats his name? Whats His name? WE THREW OUT HIS NAME!! “ inside his brain trying to grab relevant information and everything is on fire?

Thats exactly what happens to me. All of a sudden I don’t know how to even form a thought. I know that is something I have to work on within myself. I just wish I understood why this happened. I guess I stripped myself so much I didn’t even know it would affect me like this. On the other hand I say ill be more comfortable discussing somethings in person because I know its also fear holding me back. Not the fear of judgement but the fear of having to face unresolved pain alone. I don’t mean that he wouldn’t be there for me but because we are in a long distance relationship at the moment. So if I open my trauma box, there is no one beside me to hold me when the tears start to flow. When they start they don’t stop. And in that moment the only thing I want is the love of my life next to me bringing me back to reality.

I know overall this is an issue within myself that I have to heal and work on. I can allow my past to hold me back in my future. When someone is putting work into me I have to give the same energy and he deserves that and more. With that being a two way street I also have to keep in mind that he also has his traumas and I need to be mindful that he wants to talk about those things too. I am not the only one with pain. Im trying y’all this is uncharted territory for me, but all I can do is learn and grow.

Stay tuned for Part 2 in the this Communication series.